Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
