Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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