Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
