she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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