I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
