Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
