what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
