how can u be prego again
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
