Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
