I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
