That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
