his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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