There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i think im in europe. pls send help
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Shame is for Republicans.
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