I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
