Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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