Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
