I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
