This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
