went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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