...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
