i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
