im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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