Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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