Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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