turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
