Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
