The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
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He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
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Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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