how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
