I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I booty called her while she was in labor.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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