Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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