I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
