So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
