I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
