You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I can't put those talents on a resume
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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