He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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