Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
