my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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