Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
