Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
