he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
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She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
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Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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