Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
