I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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