now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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