for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
