I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
