what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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