you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Sober January is a disaster.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
