you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
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Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
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I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I want a musical about memes.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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