If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
