Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
This show inspires me to have sex in space
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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