is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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