Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
