If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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