I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
