Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize