Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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